2012-09-09 17.36.47

Well Len, there i’nt nothing going on in these here parts so I were right glad to be getting your letter. The blooming tennis is on and everybody’s fallen asleep in front of the box sozzled on that lemon and barley rubbish they sell at Spar now. No bugger would touch the stuff if they weren’t overcome with the horror of seeing grown men running around in white short shorts. I said to Joan no right minded man would be seen dead in shorts shorter than their longs in my day and she had the nerve to say she quite liked them tennis men and their shorts. Well that was that, I had no bloomin’ choice but to go and stand for a while in the back garden. I spent a bit o’ time sorting through the fag butts in my pockets and had a good look at that old wheel I’ve got propped up in the far corner behind the shed. Now you’ll be glad to hear that wheel is coming along nicely. You can only just make it out in them there nettles I planted a few years back and there’s a good amount of rust blooming on the hub. I reckon it will be ready to roll out of there and have a proper look at some time next year.

So you’ve got the Hertfordshire lot there have you? He didn’t come down in the Renault again did he? How’s that rear axle coming along on it? It must be nigh on 3 years since David and that boy of his stuck it together with a tube of Araldite and an old boot lace. We’re right lucky to have someone that mechanically minded we can turn to when there’s a motor that needs fixing. I’ve heard of that formage frais muck they brought you down. My Marion was here a couple of months back and said she were thinking of getting some of it for tea when Sandy and Paul next called. They always bring bags of Fisherman’s mates and them splintered up bit of seaside rock in colours that nobody’s got round to naming yet. Marion feels obliged to match it with something a bit different, but I soon put her straight – You don’t want to go encouraging them by giving them stuff. They’ll start thinking you’re pleased to see them and then you’ll never be shot of them. She called me a grumpy bugger, but I told her – You’ll a see, a few more years down the line and they’ll be turning up at your hospital bed and it’ll be too late to get out of it then. She wouldn’t take any notice though, blooming girl, she only went and said that some people like to have friends. Friends I said, you don’t need friends, you’ve got me and your mother, how do you think you’re going to look after us in our old age if you’re off gallivanting with blooming friends?

Sometimes Len, I look at that gal of mine and I think maybe I should of put me oar in a bit more with her. Joan has given her too many high fluting ideas. It’s the young. They don’t understand friends. I told her me and Wally got sat next to each other first morning at school by old Biddy Woodley and that was it. We were friends. None of this trying to find out if we liked each other. None of this trying to be interesting or nice. Like it or lump it Biddy Woodley had put us together and together we’ve stayed and what, I said to Marion, is wrong with that. Well of course there weren’t nothing she could say to that was there.

Yours Wally

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2013-06-29 19.07.32

Dear Wally
No visitors today so I stood at the gate for a few hours in the rain. Not much happening, old boy went past on his bike with a Happy Shopper bag blowing in his face. Makes you wonder how I managed to cause that five car pile up coming back from Hunstanton.

Maureen’s relatives have been down from Hertfordshire again. They can’t get enough of the Norfolk fresh air and peace and quiet. They must be half deaf and in need of a Vic Stick. Got up this morning to a lung full of Peter’s pigs and an earful of David’s boy Darren trying to start his Escort for an hour. He’d flooded it, same as every morning. His mother says he can’t afford the petrol to run it. They syphon a bit out of the vicar’s Fiesta now and then just so he can start it in the morning. Anyway, getting back to the Hertfordshire lot – I said to Maureen, go on then, what did they bring this time? You remember that jar she gave me and we thought she was choking but it turned out to be decaf coffee? I told her straight, we don’t tolerate coffee drinkers round these parts decafinerarated or not. Anyway I thought it couldn’t get worse, but this time they brought ‘fromage frais’, a cross between cheese and yoghurt apparently. More like a cross between too much money and too little manual labour. Even the dog wouldn’t eat it, put it off it’s usual bowl of gooseberries. Anyway they’re gadding about all over the place, Attleborough one day, Wymondham the next, wouldn’t be surprised if they’d made it to Watton by the end of their three weeks.

Roger came round with the EDP. Luckily I was busy hitting the tv with the walking stick and didn’t hear him shouting through the letter box and rapping on the window. Will have a look and see who’s died this week, perhaps it’ll be you. Hope not as I’ve already stuck a stamp on the envelope.

Yours as always
Len

2012-09-04 09.13.33

Dear Wally
I’m up and about much more now. Got to Snetterton Sunday. Not much there, but got a couple of spanners and some lighters. Alan asked if I wanted to call round Kenny Dewitt’s with him as he’d got a new mower. Well they stood out looking at the mower and talking of old mowers and rotovators they’d known and the best way to put them out when they caught fire. I went in the shed out of the wind. Kenny’s son in law David was in there trying to get the spot welder to work. I can’t stand in a shed as long as I use to. After 3 and a half hours I’d had enough. I looked over and David had his ear defenders on. Well a hurled the first thing that came to hand at the back of his head, a BSA rear light. He explained however, that his hearing had been sensitive since taking down that chimney at Yarmouth and wore them as a matter of course now. He’d only just took them off briefly when I walked in in order to find an Allen key. As he knew I’d been talking about Gainsborough and lighters I suppose he must have been listening.
I’ll have to finish now, Country File is starting.

Lenny

2012-03-19 17.47.40

I’ve inherited a pile of old Haynes Ford Manuals. Here’s the first 2 letters I found in the Ford Granada one (not dated).

Dear Wally,

Maureen suggested I start writing to you after the uproar of the summer. I said I wouldn’t know what to write, but she said there’s always something happening in the family or the village. I have to agree with her there. Can’t quite believe you’re no longer my neighbour after all these years. These Greens think car sharing has just been invented. As I told Michael, me and Wal have been sharing a newspaper, cat, seed potatoes and a rotovator for nigh on 45 yrs.

I’m up and about now though Mary’s girls fetch me my shopping. I had a stroll to the Happy Shopper this morning for a few essentials before Thursday – six fruit scones and two tins of carnation milk. Hope to make it to the Sunday Market this week. I’ve run out of disposable lighters.

I know this is a short first letter Wal, but a blue Rover has just pulled up outside Minnie’s and I will need to get closer to the window for a better look.

Best regards
Lenny

Dear Wally,

The Rover was Minnie’s District Nurse in her brother’s car. Buxom girl, has travelled much in Lincoln. Maureen’s just left with her Hayley, brought me a pork cheese and keyring torch. Was happy with the cheese didn’t like to say I already had a torch, but had to. Made clear I would have been happier with disposable lighters.

Sandra’s grand twins have arrived. Anton and David. Anton I ask you! Do the parents know what happened to Vernon Mace after he and his wife called their second born Anton? Maureen said probably not as it happened nearly 20years ago. She also said that I said he had it coming to him when he started a platonque club at the Vic the summer before. I’ve noticed that woman can be sharp on occasions. Anyway just what we need another David in the family. After 5 minutes we had come up with 42 people in the family called David. Of course I told them that Brock, Dennis, Harold, Sid, Wingy and Quentin were all Davids too. There’s also that terrible mix up on Percy’s part in 1932 when he named his last and sixteenth child David when his second boy was already called it. I said you could tell his grandfather was originally from Besthorpe. They only found out when his oldest daughter came from Cromer when the lad was a year old for his christening. Of course he was know as mucky Bob from then on.

Need to go Wally. Have spied Roger fairly clattering down the road to my door. Will pretend I’m asleep on the settee till he’s moved on to bore some other poor bugger.

Yours
Len

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