2012-09-04 09.13.33

Dear Wally
I’m up and about much more now. Got to Snetterton Sunday. Not much there, but got a couple of spanners and some lighters. Alan asked if I wanted to call round Kenny Dewitt’s with him as he’d got a new mower. Well they stood out looking at the mower and talking of old mowers and rotovators they’d known and the best way to put them out when they caught fire. I went in the shed out of the wind. Kenny’s son in law David was in there trying to get the spot welder to work. I can’t stand in a shed as long as I use to. After 3 and a half hours I’d had enough. I looked over and David had his ear defenders on. Well a hurled the first thing that came to hand at the back of his head, a BSA rear light. He explained however, that his hearing had been sensitive since taking down that chimney at Yarmouth and wore them as a matter of course now. He’d only just took them off briefly when I walked in in order to find an Allen key. As he knew I’d been talking about Gainsborough and lighters I suppose he must have been listening.
I’ll have to finish now, Country File is starting.

Lenny

2012-03-08 16.02.20

Dear Lenny,

That Roger do get about don’t he? I remember seeing him coming along Swingy Lane one night as quick as if his arse were on fire. He took that last corner at nigh on twenty miles an hour and were over the handle bars and in the ditch before you could say Lawrence and Potts. He said he were in a rush to get the bike back in the vicarage wood shed before the vicar noticed it were gone. I don’t reckon you were quite right about them there Davids. By my reckoning there were 43 and a half. I expect you were forgetting that Norma’s girl were a David, but was always called Shelly and then there was Diddy Dave which accounts for the half.

I thought I saw Mucky Bob the other day at the car park but it wasn’t him at all it was one of them new bollards they put in to stop the boy racers from practising their three point turns. It didn’t half look like him though. I wonder if they used him as a model for it. You know like they used Auntie Mary as a model for the backend of buses back in the 20s. She had half price travel for that for nigh on eighteen years right up until that day she got stuck in the door of the once a month market day bus and swore she weren’t going on public transport no more.

Hope you back on your feet a bit more Len. I don’t like to think of you stuck in the house every day especially when there’s been a good frost and fog to get out into. Joan and me walked to the phone box and back yesterday. It were nice to get into the great outdoors and see them at number 13 trying to get their cat down off the flat roof again. We stood and laughed at them for a good 20 minutes and then went back home for a cup of tea and a slice of Battenberg. That’s the only foreign grub you’ll catch me eating and like Joan said he weren’t wholly foreign because he were a cousin of the Queen. He was the one who were friendly with Mr Pattern and told him about how he gave away India and that was what gave him the idea about giving away King Kong. You couldn’t expect the Queen to house an ape like that – not at her age.

Yours Wally

2012-02-14 15.09.22

Dear Lenny,

So much water has passed down the outside privy since we had a proper marddle so I were right pleased to get your letter. Tom – the post – Matthews shoved it through the letterbox along with my parish mag and another of them blooming letters about saving some leopard stuck up a tree in the rainforest. I’d have thought they’d have got the blighter down by now, but it seems not.

There’s some right funny business going on round here. Number 13 have only gone and changed their milk order! They’ve started on that queer stuff called semi-skinned. I know ‘cos Ted – the milk – Matthews told me about it. Time was when folk were happy enough to drink full fat and develop a healthy belly you could rest a cuppa on.

There’s been a bit of an upheaval here at number 11 too. Yes, that’s right, I had to go and get another pair of slippers. The old ones gave up the ghost last Tuesday week after just 15 years of daily wear. If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a hundred times they just don’t make things to last no more. Joan said I should try some of them moccasins this time, but I put her straight. First it’s moccasins and the next it’s pizza or some other such rubbish for tea. What’s wrong with folks today is that they always want some foreign muck or other. Stick to our muck – that’s what I say. Who wants a meal that’s made out of some blooming tower that’s falling over? It’s food like that what gives people the dropsy, makes them all on the h and then where are you? It’s like that bloke Nippy who were with Lawrence and Potts. He ate a stick of spaghetti and were never right after that. You must have known him, he had a hat on and were always wearing them trousers.

Well Joan says the telly aerial needs a bit of a wiggle before the news so I’m off to the attic for a bit to see what I can do.
Yours Wally

2012-03-19 17.47.40

I’ve inherited a pile of old Haynes Ford Manuals. Here’s the first 2 letters I found in the Ford Granada one (not dated).

Dear Wally,

Maureen suggested I start writing to you after the uproar of the summer. I said I wouldn’t know what to write, but she said there’s always something happening in the family or the village. I have to agree with her there. Can’t quite believe you’re no longer my neighbour after all these years. These Greens think car sharing has just been invented. As I told Michael, me and Wal have been sharing a newspaper, cat, seed potatoes and a rotovator for nigh on 45 yrs.

I’m up and about now though Mary’s girls fetch me my shopping. I had a stroll to the Happy Shopper this morning for a few essentials before Thursday – six fruit scones and two tins of carnation milk. Hope to make it to the Sunday Market this week. I’ve run out of disposable lighters.

I know this is a short first letter Wal, but a blue Rover has just pulled up outside Minnie’s and I will need to get closer to the window for a better look.

Best regards
Lenny

Dear Wally,

The Rover was Minnie’s District Nurse in her brother’s car. Buxom girl, has travelled much in Lincoln. Maureen’s just left with her Hayley, brought me a pork cheese and keyring torch. Was happy with the cheese didn’t like to say I already had a torch, but had to. Made clear I would have been happier with disposable lighters.

Sandra’s grand twins have arrived. Anton and David. Anton I ask you! Do the parents know what happened to Vernon Mace after he and his wife called their second born Anton? Maureen said probably not as it happened nearly 20years ago. She also said that I said he had it coming to him when he started a platonque club at the Vic the summer before. I’ve noticed that woman can be sharp on occasions. Anyway just what we need another David in the family. After 5 minutes we had come up with 42 people in the family called David. Of course I told them that Brock, Dennis, Harold, Sid, Wingy and Quentin were all Davids too. There’s also that terrible mix up on Percy’s part in 1932 when he named his last and sixteenth child David when his second boy was already called it. I said you could tell his grandfather was originally from Besthorpe. They only found out when his oldest daughter came from Cromer when the lad was a year old for his christening. Of course he was know as mucky Bob from then on.

Need to go Wally. Have spied Roger fairly clattering down the road to my door. Will pretend I’m asleep on the settee till he’s moved on to bore some other poor bugger.

Yours
Len

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