The Dumb Light

August 31, 2013

the dumb light

2012-02-14 15.09.22

Dear Lenny,

So much water has passed down the outside privy since we had a proper marddle so I were right pleased to get your letter. Tom – the post – Matthews shoved it through the letterbox along with my parish mag and another of them blooming letters about saving some leopard stuck up a tree in the rainforest. I’d have thought they’d have got the blighter down by now, but it seems not.

There’s some right funny business going on round here. Number 13 have only gone and changed their milk order! They’ve started on that queer stuff called semi-skinned. I know ‘cos Ted – the milk – Matthews told me about it. Time was when folk were happy enough to drink full fat and develop a healthy belly you could rest a cuppa on.

There’s been a bit of an upheaval here at number 11 too. Yes, that’s right, I had to go and get another pair of slippers. The old ones gave up the ghost last Tuesday week after just 15 years of daily wear. If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a hundred times they just don’t make things to last no more. Joan said I should try some of them moccasins this time, but I put her straight. First it’s moccasins and the next it’s pizza or some other such rubbish for tea. What’s wrong with folks today is that they always want some foreign muck or other. Stick to our muck – that’s what I say. Who wants a meal that’s made out of some blooming tower that’s falling over? It’s food like that what gives people the dropsy, makes them all on the h and then where are you? It’s like that bloke Nippy who were with Lawrence and Potts. He ate a stick of spaghetti and were never right after that. You must have known him, he had a hat on and were always wearing them trousers.

Well Joan says the telly aerial needs a bit of a wiggle before the news so I’m off to the attic for a bit to see what I can do.
Yours Wally

Out and About

August 20, 2013

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2012-03-19 17.47.40

I’ve inherited a pile of old Haynes Ford Manuals. Here’s the first 2 letters I found in the Ford Granada one (not dated).

Dear Wally,

Maureen suggested I start writing to you after the uproar of the summer. I said I wouldn’t know what to write, but she said there’s always something happening in the family or the village. I have to agree with her there. Can’t quite believe you’re no longer my neighbour after all these years. These Greens think car sharing has just been invented. As I told Michael, me and Wal have been sharing a newspaper, cat, seed potatoes and a rotovator for nigh on 45 yrs.

I’m up and about now though Mary’s girls fetch me my shopping. I had a stroll to the Happy Shopper this morning for a few essentials before Thursday – six fruit scones and two tins of carnation milk. Hope to make it to the Sunday Market this week. I’ve run out of disposable lighters.

I know this is a short first letter Wal, but a blue Rover has just pulled up outside Minnie’s and I will need to get closer to the window for a better look.

Best regards
Lenny

Dear Wally,

The Rover was Minnie’s District Nurse in her brother’s car. Buxom girl, has travelled much in Lincoln. Maureen’s just left with her Hayley, brought me a pork cheese and keyring torch. Was happy with the cheese didn’t like to say I already had a torch, but had to. Made clear I would have been happier with disposable lighters.

Sandra’s grand twins have arrived. Anton and David. Anton I ask you! Do the parents know what happened to Vernon Mace after he and his wife called their second born Anton? Maureen said probably not as it happened nearly 20years ago. She also said that I said he had it coming to him when he started a platonque club at the Vic the summer before. I’ve noticed that woman can be sharp on occasions. Anyway just what we need another David in the family. After 5 minutes we had come up with 42 people in the family called David. Of course I told them that Brock, Dennis, Harold, Sid, Wingy and Quentin were all Davids too. There’s also that terrible mix up on Percy’s part in 1932 when he named his last and sixteenth child David when his second boy was already called it. I said you could tell his grandfather was originally from Besthorpe. They only found out when his oldest daughter came from Cromer when the lad was a year old for his christening. Of course he was know as mucky Bob from then on.

Need to go Wally. Have spied Roger fairly clattering down the road to my door. Will pretend I’m asleep on the settee till he’s moved on to bore some other poor bugger.

Yours
Len

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Alpine

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